5 stages of flab

You, yes you. Don’t look away. This article is addressed to you too. If you don’t agree, then you are in stage three. If you are perspiring now then you are in stage 1. Or you were just a fat kid. Anyway here is the intro…

Ladies and gentlemen, all the great writers in the world have analysed and taken apart every worthy topic under the sun. From glass ceilings to breaking up of the Joint family; from US policy towards Pakistan to owning a car. Every topic has been taken apart from the analytical, logical, psychological, spiritual and every other ‘cal’ level. This leaves nothing from us newbies.
Or does it…. There is one very relevant issue that I have really not read much about.

I have given this issue great though (those enormous hours looking blankly at the computer screen at work) and deep analysis. I have spent hours interviewing candidates in each stage. (Ok, so I have just discussed the weather with people who I now assign to these stages, but what the hell). I think I have done enough due diligence to this topic (for those who know me well, u know what I mean, basically I just thought it up as I wrote)
So here goes…
The 5 stages of flab (Any resemblance to any other 5 stages is just a figment of your fertile imagination)

Please note that while the stages are arranged in a logical and chronological order, some people may skip a certain stage and also move between stages for a while

Stage 1: Panic
The first stage. You are young and fit and popular, life’s good. Shopping is so much fun. Then one day it hits you. You notice a small layer of flab. Very soon your favourite pair of jeans doesn’t fit as well. You do the only logical thing, Panic!!
This stage is characterized by detailed investigation of your torso in front of the bathroom mirror, pinching of body parts, constant self awareness and immediate change in dress sense. It is also characterized by an aversion to going shopping. It’s a good time for men whose wives have reached this stage.
Our analysis reveals that this is the most traumatic stage with extreme cases even contemplating suicide. This stage almost always leads to stage 2

Stage 2: Action
The most dynamic and physical stage, also the most pointless one. It is a stage characterized by gym memberships, morning jogs, long walks, crunches, visits to the sports store and such other needless activities. Many a diets are put in place, lot of analysis done, lot of goggling done.
This is the most taxing stage on both the body as well as the purse. Not only money wasted on gym gear, diet food and the likes but the high level of optimism also results in renewed enthusiasm to shop and in the erstwhile sizes.
The smart ones don’t stay in this stage long. But some idiots just don’t get it.

Stage 3: Denial
This is the most human stage. Any psychologist will tell u about the denial stage in any psychological disorder (yes yes, that’s what it is… not a physical problem, but the psychological issue in dealing with the physical change). People believe that by denying their flab to themselves in public, it will go away. Some actually believe that it’s not a fat at all. A subject once told me it was just Gas!!
This stage is actually a sub-stage of stage 2. It is characterized by weird social behaviours. One starts pinching his flab in public places. One is also caught staring at other peoples obesity. Experts attribute this to the human tendency of trying to feel better by looking at other people being worse off (now there is a term for this but I don’t know it, ask the experts)
Some people attain temporary happiness in this stage. They are able to convince themselves on the absence of any additional adipose deposition in their body. Out, come the old tight fitting clothes again. Ofcourse, all this while, all the pointless actions of stage 2 are continuing.
This stage lasts quite long. After all, it will take time and effort to fool yourself. People are generally alternating between stage 2 and 3 for a while.

Stage 4: Learn to live with it
This is the stage which most people reach into after spending quite a while in stages 2 and 3 (the smart ones get there earlier though). It’s a state of acceptance or defeat (depending on your outlook). I would equate it to a 3-4 year old relationship. You have tried to change your partner, it won’t happen. Just accept your fate.
This stage is characterized by some smart decisions like buying clothes your size, cutting down on the diet and blowing lesser money on the gym.
At the start of this stage, the crunches go down in count and in severity, gym visits become less frequent and you break your “no desserts” promise more often. Gradually life goes back to the pre flab days. Of course it’s just not the same. Whenever you see someone working out you feel guilty. Eating a calorie loaded dessert will never be as much fun now. Ever shopping trip is a grim reminder that you are growing. If you had once wish in life …. you get the drift.

Stage 5: Self actualization
Contrary to conventional wisdom, not many people reach this stage. Most get stuck in stage 4. However, this stage is the state of highest happiness and nirvana. It is the stage all of us must aspire to get into. This stage is characterized by complete acceptance and a genuine love for your flab. I have an ex colleague S who to put it mildly has not seen his toes in years. However, the only thing S likes more than his food is his drinks (please to be noting the Plural). S epitomizes this stage. He is a married man and, as all married men would certify, his wife certainly nags him about his paunch. But S loves it. He feels it goes well with his larger than life personality. He loves the way it jiggles when he walks. He loves the way kids cling to him mistaking him for a teddy bear. S is self actualized. The biggest difference between him and a person in stage 4 is he enjoys his desserts without any guilt. He is happier.

So there you have it, the 5 stages. Now you can grow fat in peace.