Diary of a Nationalist

 

8 am: Dear Diary, today is going to be a wonderful day. It is the day I get to show off my new Bharat Mata tattoo. Got it done on my biceps yesterday night. It looks fab, especially with my black 'Being Human' tee.

This tattoo is an answer to all those intellectual traitors who keep giving sermons using big words like Jingoism etc. I think they know nothing other than big talk. We should be proud of our county and what better way to display the pride than this tattoo. I am going to get so much attention at the nationalist march tonight. More on that later, right now I am just excited walking around with it.

9.30 am: The day continues to be awesome. Managed to sneak into the bus before it halted and beat all those losers standing in the queue. I was lucky, managed to grab the last vacant seat. Now I can sit and browse thru the Indian Army Fans page on facebook and like and share all the pics. Nothing makes me feel more patriotic than sharing pics from this page. I share everything. My friend Vikas started lecturing me that day on sharing responsibly. Bahut pakaya, something about checking facts etc. Who has the time boss. Share what you like, and let people who want to, figure out if it is true. Anyway, this old lady came and stood beside me and started staring. Stupid old people, try to stare you into feeling guilty. Not going to happen woman. Here, look at my tattoo!

10 am: Too much traffic boss. Don't think I will reach college on time. Not that is matters much, but sitting in this heat is quite irritating. Atleast in the college hostel there is eye candy. And this aunty continues to stare at me. No way are you getting this seat lady, not in this heat and traffic. Wish I had a bike, then I could cut thru this traffic, jump signals and get to my destination faster. Need to start pestering dad for that bike he promised me for finally clearing first year.

10.30 am: My cousin Pinku called. He is in 10^th and wanted my advise on further course. I told him how to go about making a fake caste certificate. It will help him get into science and then either medical or engineering. He didn't know this was possible. I explained to him how I did it and managed to get into BE in Mumbai university. After all, its all about getting in. Baad mein toh degree mil hi jaati hai. Pinku was quite surprised and grateful. I even gave him the contact of Anil Bhai, who does the caste certificate work, and told him how to haggle for a lower fee. Pinku was going on and on about how thankful he was, so I asked him to send me some fresh raunchy clips… he is always well stocked with those on his cell.

Feels good when you can help your family. Now I feel like a responsible elder brother, responsible and patriotic.

11.30 am: Finally reached and settled in the canteen.  The bus ride was quite sad, but I made it up by managing to brush against this hot chick wearing a tight kurta, in the subway crossing. It was dark inside and a bit crowded and I too full advantage of the situation. Mast maal thi… she gave me a dirty stare, but who cares, bahut mazaa aaya. Awesomeness level of the day restored. Now to boast about it to my gang.

3 pm: Attended Prof Nene's boring lecture post lunch to nap on the last bench. Got caught and thrown out. Since everyone’s attention was on me, I ensured that my tattoo got a lot of visibility. Even some of the chicks were staring at it. The gang met up finally in the canteen. Could not get to boast much about my morning exploits in the subway though as Sunil kept yapping. He is such a talker, has so many things to share. Today he was telling us how his dad managed to evade taxes and convert white money to black.  Apparently, there is a concept of charity. So you give money to these farji charities in cheque and they return you cash, after taking a small cut. You can show that entire cheque payment for tax deduction. Solid idea hai, tax bhi bachenga aur white to black bhi. Let me tell dad. He was cribbing last week that this time he may have to end up paying tax. Let me also use this opportunity to make my case for a bike.

6 pm: What an afternoon! Our students union met and conducted a dharna outside Prof Phanse's residence on campus. That asshole actually had the guts to fail our president Ganesh for the third time in his Vivas. This time we had warned him of consequences, but he failed him again. So we started a rumor that Prof Phanse insulted our national leaders. Wasn't difficult at all. He is anyway a jhola carrying commie, all with a beard and kurta and all. Also keeps quoting Marx etc in class. We just put some random statement against his name on whatsapp. Anyway, people believe everything they read on whatsapp. There was a good turnout of 45 of us. We made some placards, clicked some selfies and shouted nationalistic slogans. Sunil gave the idea to do some toh-phod. So we threw stones and broke his window pane. I took advantage of the situation and even threw 2 stones on Prof Nene's window. 
Need to head home now.  We have to attend this nationalist march in the evening. Need to be ready for that. This march is a big deal for us. Dad is one of the organisers and has taken a target of getting 100 participants. All of us are going and doing our bit to help. He is giving me and Sonu Rs 10000 and mom Rs 15000 for help him. Mom and Sonu already blew the money on shopping yesterday as they want to look their best in the evening. Sonu has her eyes set on this top on display at the Gucci store. It has the right colour for today’s event too. It will however be no match for against my new tattoo. I also ended up saving Rs7000, which I plan to blow up tonight. All us friends will go to the disc after the march and get piss drunk. Post that, we plan to drive to Igatpuri in Sunil's car.

Mom has conned our maid into attending with her kids by promising to pay her for the 4 days she took leave last month, when she had jaundice. Mom has an awesome way of dealing with these lowlife losers. She just cut her salary and told her to give proof of illness.Now she is giving her that same salary if she promises to get 4 people in the march. I am sure she will find a way to recover this later. Last time she just chipped an old plate and blamed the maid and cut 200 Rs. Mom is the smartest, I tell you.

Dad has invited all our neighbours from the society. Many are joining. Except for that stupid Mr. Dhingra and his wife. They have a solid superiority complex. Just because their son is in the NDA, they think they know best. Mr. Dhingra started lecturing my dad on the being patriotic in actions and not to show others, or some such crap. Too much pak pak the Dhingra’s do. And Mrs. Dhingra, she really doesn't know how to dress up. Her son is a year elder to me, but she still wears jeans and skirts. She even goes to the society Gym. Once I was sitting with my gang and she passed by, I got a smart idea and cooked up a nice story about how she had invited me home one day afternoon, when no one was around, and seduced me. That story became quite famous.

Anyway, I will sign off now diary. Don't think I will get time to update tonight after the march and post march partying. It’s been a good day. Rather it has been a great day. I feel so proud and patriotic with my new tattoo. It’s too bad that the sleeve of my t-shirt keeps slipping down to cover the face of the tattoo. Wish Bharat Mata could see my exploits.